The Book of Na'Toth

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

I believe, the question is formulated a little bit incorrectly. There are no the worse qualities, there are moments when your best qualities start to work against you.
I do not like to be engaged in self-digging, but all right, I'll try.
I think, that I know myself well enough. I come from Fifth Circle, do not forget it. The good warrior should know the strong and weak features to be able to take advantage of them in case of need.
My main quality which always irritated my teachers and relatives (yes, is time to tell it frankly) it is irascibility. I was easy for enraging, and consequences can be unpredictable.
If to add to this obstinacy, the terrible mix turns out.
Yes, my teachers were worn out, when tried to transform it to something more useful.
Let's continue the list.
I am workaholic and perfectionist. If to recollect my obstinacy and irascibility, you can imagine, what can happen, if it was not possible to bring any thing or business to perfection or even to finish it.
I am exacting to people and their acts. As well as to myself. I try to be indulgent, but it is very difficult for making sometimes.
But the worst, perhaps, is my rancour. I can forgive the person for some offences, I try to not go in cycles because of trifles... But even when both sides have apologized, the conflict is solved... These offences remain in my memory, somewhere in a secret place, they lay there, and can pass a lot of time, perhaps, I'll not recollect them anymore... But if the person will repeat offence... These memoirs instantly appear in my memory, fresh as though it happened yesterday.
When I was the child, I have eaten fruit, having disobeyed the father. Fruit looked very beautiful, and I thought, that it will be same tasty. But it appeared rotten inside, and I could not get rid of disgusting taste in a mouth long time.
A lot of time was required that I began to eat these fruits again. But all the same I concerned to them intently though they were very tasty.
The same sensation with my rancour.
I can forgive insult or offence, but this rotten taste... It dozes somewhere in the subconsciousness, ready to appear as soon as this offence will be repeated...
Perhaps, this inability to forget the last insults complicates communication with me. Perhaps, this my feature forces me to keep aloof among friends, not speaking about enemies.
I can overcome my irascibility, my obstinacy and perfectionism. But as to memory... Here I am compelled to recede.

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

I could tell to you a lot about a revenge. Those ones who know my people, understand, what a lot of value we give to this tradition. It is a core on which our society is based.
But when we speak about a revenge, we don't mean primitive thirst of blood and severe requital to the offender.
When we declare Shon'Kar, the Blood Oath, first of all, we demand our right on justice.
We believe, the avenger is instrument of the gods, intended to punish the one who committed a crime or put heavy insult to somebody and when the person says a sacred oath and cuts the forehead meaning that is going to fulfill the oath, this Narn does not belong to himself/herself any more, he or she only executes will of gods.
There are years can pass sometimes before the avenger can finish his business. It happens so, that many generations can change, before it is possible to fulfill an oath.
But time has no value here.
Sooner or later, but justice will be restored.
The right to revenge gives the person the purpose of a life and an occasion for a life. Yes, it is paradoxical, but I know many Narns which are alive only for the sake of it. I had such oath myself.
You, humans, can tell, that it is barbarous custom and there is a court which can solve these conflicts. But I'll allow myself to tell, that this "justice" is a sneer at our custom! I saw this "circus" when they have prevented me to kill this bloody Dilgar bitch, Jha'Dur the Death Walker, there in dock. I saw, that their so-called "court" enabled to slip away from punishment to the woman which hands never to wash from blood of innocent souls which she has ruined.
Glory to Holy Martyrs, Vorlons had other sight at things. Blood can be washed off only by blood. And I am glad, that they knew it.
We have no similar judicial comedies on the Narn. Similar questions are solved by the offender or by his family. That fact, there is always will be the person who will force the criminal to pay for committed deeds, sooner or later, in this life or in another, in this world or in another, fills our existence with sense.

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5


Only one? It will be difficult for choosing. All right, I'll try. Humans! These aliens constantly puzzle me, and it is inconvenient to me to take any separate strangeness.
I could tell to you about baseball which the significant part of population of human's planet is keen on.
I understand nothing in this game. Nevertheless, humans can spend all day for just to watch, as other humans run after a small ball, swinging with bats. Perhaps, it is interesting to participate in this madness, but to watch only... No, I do not understand.
Humans in general are possessed by balls. The most part of their sport is based that the crowd of people kicks, throws or chases balls of various form and the size. This is very amusing show sometimes.
Or specific human humor. Here, at Babylon 5, their well-known show "Rebo and Zooty" is broadcast. Ambassador G'Kar always roars up to tears when looks it. But I do not see anything amusing there. Moreover, all this looks very silly. Probably I miss something, perhaps, I should read more information about Earth and its inhabitants. Don't know...
sighs
But there is one most amazing quality till now causing bewilderment in me.
( the most puzzling thing in humans )

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

Whether do I friends easily?
Hardly. I need some time to get used to the new person, to look narrowly at him. I am not inclined to be frank with strangers. Moreover, I'm seldom frank even with those people which I can name as "my friends". I know, not all people like such manner, but it is my old habit and I am not going to change it in near future.
I believe, I can be counted unsociable even from the point of view of my people. But this fact does not bother me at all. I always had very few friends. Even in the childhood. Perhaps, it was is connected with the misfortune, happened with my grandfather. My family did not want to make his illness by property of publicity, therefore I never invited neighbour's children with whom I played in our house. However, I played with them very seldom because counted it too frivolous pastime.
But I did not feel like the lonely hermit. My cousin Na'Yer successfully replaced the whole band of friends to me.He was my most faithful friend. And I hope, that this connection only became more strong with time...
But I do not like to talk long time about myself. Especially in front such wide audience. Therefore I want to talk about the other moment.
( some musings about Narn friendship )

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

In what sort? If to speak about physical comfort, perhaps, it will seem to you odd, but it's... weariness. Muscular weariness after intensive training. When you feel an easy pain in whole body, but it is a pleasant pain. It helps to feel your body, and it encourages, strangely enough.
I also like to be in a dark room where are candles flickering, perhaps, the favourite book and the breen made by the father...he was the excellent cook, and I liked, when he did it specially for me.
If to speak about comfort of soul... Perhaps, it happens, when you have achieved any very important purpose, and feel, that it is important not only for you, but also for other people. When you know, that your existence in this world is filled with sense.
I felt something in this sort, working with the ambassador G'Kar. To me it was comfortable to be near to him. We as though were on one wave... Though we were very different people. I would like to find such mutual understanding again...

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

I had many such encounters if to think carefully. Usually the degree of importance of such events is realized some time later. I could tell, that my first meeting with ambassador G'Kar was something fatal, and I would not be mistaken. But it could not be, if I have not met Y'Tar, the wife of my former chief Li'Dak some months before.
It happened, when I experienced some kind of crisis of belief. I have realized suddenly, that all my work here is a vicious circle and I felt, that lose myself in infinite intrigues. I have not been created for this purpose. I felt like sick each time when did something that was not pleasant for me. I was arrogant and wanted to achieve something greater, than to be the aide of grumbling Counselor. But I should offer something to promote, to achieve something greater here... And it meant to betray my principles, to cease to be myself.
There was special severe world in Palace of Kha'ri, and if I wanted to work here further, I should make this choice.
Otherwise it would mean impasse. They would not pass me above. It was the law of this place.
And when I was on the verge of despair, thinking about this situation, madam Y'Tar called me and has told about the new project which just started to work.
Space station Babylon 5. Diplomatic mission.
( Read more... )

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

I think, these things happened with me repeatedly. But the silliest thing which I should do, its, undoubtedly to put on that disgusting Centauri gown. Yes, I understand, ambassador G'Kar and Londo Mollari have thought up it not for the sake of an entertainment but to get me out of prison, I understand, we had no other decision of this problem, but... All the same, it was so humiliating.
Let's leave a dress alone though I'll tell, it was awfully inconvenient. Only that fact, I have very much grown thin for these two years has enabled me to pull it on myself, and I'll not speak about the damned corset...
I understood, that there is no sense to complain of these insignificant details in my pity position. I should concentrate on keeping balance and to not fall in the middle of Royal Palace to an entertainment all this Centauri court. Honestly, I should learn how to go anew, so this process has borrowed all my attention, and I did not listen to chatter of Mollari too much.
I think, I should not pretend drunk as it has been conceived. When I went on a Palace, I was already drunk... And I should not drink something for this purpose. Fresh air intoxicated better than wine.
If not G'Kar's words, I would fall there because my legs were too weak and shivered, I felt giddy and could not breathe under this damned veil... But I knew, that the ambassador believes in me, in my will power, and I did not want to disappoint him.
Therefore I ordered to myself and to my weak body to keep and go forward. Step by step.
Let it looked funny. I hated this damned gown, hated these Centauri, and my hatred has given me energy.
Thanks G'Lan and G'Quan, I did not remember, how we have left Palace, perhaps, I have lost consciousness... I do not know.
But G'Kar has told to me then, that I have reached a shuttle myself. I have not fallen. I did it.
And when I recollect this moment, I try to not think of that silly gown, or of how foolish I looked then, but I think of my small victory.

Muse: Na'Toth
Fandom: Babylon 5

Na'Toth sat in her quarters in front of computer leaning elbows about a table. Then she deleted the text which just dictated on the computer. Again. Narn woman sighed heavily, having closed eyes. It is hard to admit own defeat … It seems, she has lost this place. Hardly ambassador G'Kar will suffer her presence at station after that she did with him… He, of course, shown nothing he didn't shown her that is dissatisfied with her actions, but Na'Toth had time to study enough his habits to not give in on this deceptive good nature. Her heart was painfully squeezed, as she recollected G'Kar's words which she involuntarily heard that day when he was kidnapped by Tu'Pari. She had to hear record of conversation of the ambassador with Kha'ri to understand, that exactly happened there.
G'Kar demanded her immediate reassignation. And Kha'ri promised to arrange it.
Narn attache clenched her fists. Probably, fury and the insult which overflown her after she heard this conversation, have helped her to find the assassin and his victum for record-breaking short term. She become angry on herself, on G'Kar, on Tu'Pari and it has given energy to her. Na'Toth almost did not pretend, when she banged the ambassador. It has given to her cold comfort … she wanted to cause him a pain... to revenge though somehow... Because... she did not like to lose … But in this case she has lost … it is time to admit it.
Schrock, she has been deceived as last idiot! Well, all right, she will take care, that that bastard Tu'Pari will paid for committed by him wholly, and hardly he will get off only with broken glasses!
Na'Toth tried to type the text again. No, she will not allow such shame! She will not allow, that they have withdrawn her, as though she is the inept loser. She will leave herself. She will ask to give her assignment in other place …
Na'Toth stopped to type the text. She will not come back home in any case. Bridges are burnt. It is better to disappear here! At Down Below, at least. The destiny of the lurker is better, than so shameful returning home, on the Narn, in this aimless movement on a circle …
Attache torn off these sad reflections, having rubbing the forehead. One thing pleased her: they have broken plans of Thenta'Makur. And Tu'Pari will not avoid the revenge of his colleagues!..
"It was necessary to beat G'Kar even for the sake of it… - she thoughts gloomy, - but the place is lost for me...What a pity!
There is Babcom ringed in the room.
"Yes," - she said.
The ambassador G'Kar's face has appeared on screen.
"NaToth, our common friend come to the senses, at last. I have bought for him the ticket for evening flight, - he told, smiling, - Its time to put into practice the second part of our plan. I wait for you at 4-th dock in a waiting room. Be not late!"
The polite smile instantly appeared on her lips.
"Do not worry, ambassador, I'll not miss such fun!" - she answered, rising on legs.
As soon connection was ended, Na'Toth looked at the typed text on the screen of her computer. All right, she will finish it in the evening. When they will understand with Tu'Pari, she will submit to G'Kar the application on leaving...
If she should leave, it will take place on her conditions.